Lent Day 4 – Fully Human

Being human can be a real pain in the ass. It can all get so overwhelming at times. Again, I come back to the overloaded life of bills, demands, obligations, the unruly expectations others or myself. This is not to mention, the demons of greed, envy, lust, vanity… (on and on) that I struggle with.  The assault of information and demands can feel like a Tsunami. So, where is my out? More mindless distraction or escapism?

 It is when I leave the “more” behind and move into obscurity that I see the difference between the distraction of busyness and the avoidance of me. I know why I avoid venturing out into the wilderness of obscurity. It is there that I have to face me. It is in the place of “alone” that I have to come to terms with the person of me. There is a lot I don’t like. There is a lot that seems scary. There is even unknown parts that I can’t always seem to quite “get.”

I’ve spent plenty of time getting to know the importance of loving myself, forgiving myself and being a little bit more kind to myself. I truly know and believe that treating myself with more respect, love and kindness is of critical importance. The only problem is I don’t know how to be kind to the evils that war against me. There can be a pervasive unsettled anxiety within me that I can’t seem to fully grasp. There is also real sin within me. I’m not talking about being a general or vague sinner with general or vague sin. That notion is too disingenuous and sterile. I’m talking about being a very specific sinner with very specific sin. As the noise and clutter of my life fade away, the cravings of my self-fulfillment or self-righteousness projects begin. The food I don’t want to eat, I devour. The thoughts I don’t want to think, I do. There are endless fantasies of wealth, influence or escapism that leave me empty or frustrated, I can’t help but indulge in the very things that hurt me. It is when the clutter stops that the solitude exposes all this mess within me. Sooner or later I have to start being honest with myself. Solitude helps me see clearly. Being a human can be hard. Being me can be hard.

Thankfully, I’m not alone. St Paul, in his letter to the Roman church (Chapter 7) describes this very dilemma. I’m grateful for his honesty. He admits that the sin he doesn’t want to do, he does. The very things he wants to do, he doesn’t. He’s caught in the trap of himself. He is in the struggle and the fight that he can’t escape. The struggle and fight against himself. This struggle is illuminated for the person who struggles with addiction. People like myself. We call it powerlessness. Paul says, “what a wretched person I am” and asks the all-important question, “where is my hope?”  Where do we go with this mess? What do we do with this wrestling match within?

Israel is our answer. Not the place or people of Israel, but the actual person. Before God named him Israel, his name was Jacob, which meant deceiver, liar or manipulator. He lived up to his name. He fought himself and other most of his life. He survived and got ahead through cheating and deceiving. Once all of the conniving plans had stopped working he had to face the reality of himself and his life, in a lonely place. The story tells us that he fell into a deep sleep and entered into a wrestling match.  After a long, long wrestling match in which he taps out, he makes a request, to be blessed. He wrestled God! In the end he was given a new name, Israel: one who wrestles with God, one who is conquered by God, one who surrenders to win.

Israel teaches me to stop wrestling myself and surrender to grace, surrender to the love and care of God in the person of Jesus. Once I stop the endless fight against myself and, in the fullness of truth turn the fight to God, He wins. He wins with grace and love. Truly, love never fails!
 It is there, with him, that He reminds me that I no longer have the cloud of condemnation over me. As St. Paul so dearly knew the end of his fight with himself was the beginning of God’s grace, “there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” (Rom 8:1). When I stop avoiding and engage the fight the Word of Life that gives meaning to all other words lets me know that I’m forgiven, beloved and free to become fully human as intended. I’m free to be me. I just need to keep surrendering to win. So, I will seek to surrender my fears, my struggles and even my selfish ambitions. Most importantly, I will surrender my sin to the only one who can declare, there is now no condemnation. I will surrender to win!