Lent Day 16 – Talking to Myself

This morning was rough. One of those morning where my wife and I woke up sideways to the world. Everything was frustrating and off. More than anything else, we were frustrated with ourselves. As we talked towards the end of my commute, we realized that we were both dealing with old insecurities and frustrations with ourselves. I was battling feeling exhausted, unappreciated and not measured up to the right standards. The voice in my head, at that moment, was full of self-doubt, self-deprecation and overall low view of myself. I couldn’t seem to connect with the reminders of others who love and support me. I couldn’t hear or connect with the voice or truth of God and His love for me. Obviously, the space in-between my two ears was not a friendly place to be. It was miserable. I was just left with me.

So, left to my own devices was this morning was not a pleasant experience. Yet, a thought crossed my mind. I realized the voice brutalizing me was my own. As obvious as this seems, it took me a bit to realize it. I was talking to myself. I was reminded of others who talk to themselves. I was reminded that I really do have a choice in what I say. The Israeli King, David, also spoke to himself. There was an instance where he was in a brutal situation, much worse than mine. His life was in danger. He was not yet King and the current King, Saul was pursuing him to kill him. My life was not being threatened this morning. I was just in a really bad head space. David was in a life-threatening space. He asked himself a critically important and obvious question, “why so downcast (depressed and despairing) oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” Yes, I have the same questions. He them goes on to remind himself of the God he had come to intimately know and understand. He tells himself, “By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me?” (Psalm 42: 5 & 8) David gave me permission to talk to myself. A reminder that I have a voice and a choice in that voice. Though my words were not a poetic as David’s I did remind myself that the way I felt was not reflective of my overall life. I reminded myself that my negative voice was nothing more than a discouragement born out of exhaustion and momentary frustration. Ultimately, I started to tell myself that God was bigger than my low view of me and much more kind, generous and graceful.

Admittedly, talking to myself in a much more hopeful and positive manner didn’t seem authentic when I started. It felt contrived and forced when faced against my self-doubt. However, as I stayed with the reminders of who God is and whose I am, my heart eventually began to make the shift. I was able to connect. I was able to connect to the love that directs my days and song He sings over me at night.

Each day I remind my boys of how much I love them. Each night my wife (who has an angelic voice) or I (who has an ogre voice) sing over our boys at bedtime. Today, I’m talk to myself that I have a heavenly Father who does the same for me. I remind myself that, regardless of how I feel, or the competing negative voices in me, God’s love is directing me and He is singing to me the song he wrote just for me.