Lent Day 2 – Walking Away from The Big Deal

I want to be a big deal. I want to be known as a person of great influence, impact and reputation. I want to be a part of big work, big ideas and big impressions. Admittedly, this comes with a mix of motivations. I can truly say I want goodness and love to expand in the world and over-take our lives. I want goodness and love to be big deal and I want to be a part of its bigness. However, there is another part of me that wants to be a big deal, because I want to be seen as powerful, important and admired. There is a subtle, but very strong selfish ambition and ego-mania behind the façade of wanting to be a big deal for good causes.  

Much of my life I’ve struggled with the belief and feelings of not being good enough or not important. There is a real fear and pain in those two beliefs. As a result, I’ve feared being left out, unseen or discarded. So I go to work on building an impressive resume and showing up to impressive events with impressive people. Ironically, all of my best hatched plans to make myself “enough” and “important” have never had a lasting impact to cure my disease of shame and fear of insignificance. Even the opportunities, titles or accomplishments that would indicate I’m a big deal have never made a lasting impression on my broken heart and soul. Chasing the big deal requires a lot of energy, a lot of obsession and a lot stress which only leaves me tired and wanting in the end.

Jesus shows me another way. He was a tradesman in a rural and sleepy town. He had no grand reputation, envied resume or special gifting to rely one. The Gospels tells us that at the moment in which he would march into changing life on planet Earth Jesus ventured into obscurity and oblivion. He did the exact opposite of what would be a really big deal move. He retreated to the wilderness to strip himself of all the trappings of this life. The Bible says he fasted. He didn’t eat. That’s crazy. Yet, even crazier is that he went from being little known to being completely unknown. He walked straight into obscurity and sought to know and be known exclusively by God the Father. He sought focus and clarity for his identity and purpose. I also believe he sought connection and security in the source of all Creation and Love. Jesus became less. He didn’t avoid obscurity, he embraced it. He was actually strengthened by it. By the time the Enemy of Souls came and tempted him with becoming a really big deal through power, possessions and fame Jesus strongly declined and renounced those trappings and moved into his work (Matthew 4:1-11). The last 2000 years of Human History says that Jesus became a really big deal.

Today, in my pursuit of less I will leave behind becoming a big deal. Rather, I will try to seek what Jesus sought and embrace my obscurity in a world of really big deals. I will seek the Comforter, Lover and Lifter of my broken-heart while staying eyes wide open to the empty traps of power, possessions and popularity. I will look to seek significance in the Source of all meaning. I will move into serving those without titles or names to advancement of my self-interests. I will simply try to “be” and walk away from the “Big Deal.”