Lent Day 17 – The Torture of Nothing

I think I may need to just let the title of this reflection stand alone. But, since I committed to writing 40 days of reflections in intentional connection with God. So, I had more empty space in my day than I had originally planned. This is usually a very welcomed problem. I’m usually scrambling for more time and space to get one more phone call or email returned, one more administrative task completed or a chance to grab something to eat. Today was not the case. It was one of those days I had extra time and space and felt like I was staring blankly into my computer screen wondering what to do next. A million thoughts raced through my head, but they all created a collective buzz of white noise. It really felt like I was wasting away and I felt like I was going crazy.

As much as this season is about “less” and slowing things down, I realized why I avoid “less.” I literally don’t know what to do with myself when there is nothing. It creates a sense of anxiety and meaninglessness. As I’ve reflected earlier, God may have created from “nothing”, but I don’t seem to have the strength or courage for “nothing.” This unexpected unstructured time today exposed the fast and furious internal pace running inside of me. I’ve read a LOT of studies and books on meditation, simplifying and (my favorite) Essentialism. I just find that I’m so used to the fast and the furious, stopping feels like torture. Again, it bring me back to the space in-between and I realized there is a big difference between the planned “nothing” and the unplanned “nothing.” I not good at either. I’m a little better at the planned, I have no idea what to do with the unplanned. As I felt stuck and listless, I decided to go with the nothing.

As time drifted away and I did nothing, sitting in the uneasiness of my anxious white noise, I decided to grab an afternoon coffee and not have pressure to get anything done or accomplish any task. It was an intentional move into a rest, an unexpected Sabbath. I drank my super-pretentious and over-priced coffee and watched people. I paid attention to the crescendo of God’s creation. I noticed my own harsh judgments and my own curiosities, but mostly I noticed that people, like me, are trying to get by in the world. They are looking to belong, be seen and be a part of. They are seeking to be heard and understood. They are looking to get the next assignment done and get ahead, or just keep up. They are trying to feel good about themselves and where they are. I noticed that they are also avoiding the nothing. I get it. But today, I will try to enjoy the gift of nothing, know that I don’t need to get anything else done or fill the empty. I can simply be.