Lent Day 25 - Positively Powerless

People of addiction, who are serious about not being addicted, come face to face with the reality of their powerlessness. Despite all efforts, promises, prayers and tricks people who struggle with addiction know that eventually, the addiction wins. This is a terrifying and heartbreaking reality. The powerlessness they come up against is a painfully negative force that is threatening to everything that is near and dear, including life itself. Yet, by the admission of powerlessness, the addicted person can begin journey to draw on strength outside of themselves and eventually discover a new strength inside of themselves. This is truly a spiritual and mysterious process.

Today, as I drove through the back canyons of Malibu, venturing from Thousands Oaks to the ocean, I was surrounded by breathtaking beauty and stunning views. The rain this winter has ignited the hills with blazing green fire. The temperature was set to heaven's thermostat, 75 degrees. The sun was defiantly arrogant in its brightness, refusing to be anything less than brilliant. As we wound our way through the motion sick road we came upon the first glimpse of the Pacific. There it was in all it's splendor. It is constantly there, constantly moving, constantly alive and overwhelmingly majestic. Today I was keenly aware of my powerlessness. I was powerless against all the life and beauty around me. All of God's "it is good"ness in creation was going to happen whether I liked it or not. The inherent goodness of creation was marching on, as it has since the beginning of time, and I am totally and positively powerless to stop it. So, today I decided I would join in. I chose to be a part of the grandeur of God's overwhelmingly good creation. I chose to take it in and be humbled, awestruck and baffled by the beauty of it all.

God, who created all of this goodness, is still creating and moving regardless of how powerless I feel against struggles and difficulties. I am also realizing that I am powerless against all His love and goodness. He declared to the Israelites, while they were a powerless and homeless people (in exile without a country to call their own), "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." (Isaiah 40:28-29, NIV)

There are plenty of painful experiences and happenings in life that I am powerless against. They get a lot of attention. Today I realized that there a plenty of incredibly amazing experiences and happenings I am also powerless against. Today, I am choosing to give attention to the incredibly amazing. I will chose to be positively powerless. I will allow the goodness I am powerless against to give me strength. I will choose to draw power from all the "glory" around me.

Lent Day 24 – It’s Working Out

Once again, this season has been an intentional move into less and more space for intentional connection with God. My addiction to more has not let up or let go easily. Many days my obsession with more gets the best of me, literally. The more of busyness and consumption can take away my best energy, my best focus and my best efforts. There is another phenomena that occurs when I move into less. Undistracted by external noise, I can more clearly hear my internal noise. Again, the noise of my own fears and insecurities rise to the surface and are seen and heard. What becomes clear is my motivation for more. More distracts me from myself. It distracts me from all of my fears and insecurities. Today as I moved into less I heard a new fear with crystal clarity.

Inside of me is a historical belief that has rattled around in the background of my heart and mind like a really annoying noise maker. Deeply rooted within me is a belief that, “it’s not going to work out for me.” “It” can be almost anything; significant relationships, strong family, successful career, financial security, etc. Obviously this creates a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety. So, I think more obsessively, work harder, sleep less trying to hold back the inevitability of “it” not working out for me. In my time of silence and seclusion today, the internal messaging of “it’s not going to work out for me” hit like a ton of bricks. It was as if I was discovering an old belief for the very first time. I realized why I give plenty of reason and excuses to my doomed disappointment or failure. The revelation showed me my propensity for procrastination, playing it small and safe, and being frozen in indecision. Fear of it all not working out has been running a lot of my life and stealing my hope and joy.

Today, in the midst of the uncomfortable silence and belief that it is not working out for me, I heard another voice. I heard the voice of the Eternal Father letting me know, “I got you and it is all working out!” I was reminded of the amazing people and friends God has paced in my life. I have people who truly love me and care for me. I was reminded of the amazing opportunities I have and purposes I get to be a part of. I was reminded of the Eternal Father who is always with me, always loving me. I was reminded that I’m taken care of and deeply loved. He is bent the Universe in my favor and it is working out and will work out.

Romans 8:28 (NLT) is a popular verse that states, “And we know that God is causes everything to work together (to work out) for those who love God and are called according to his purposes for them.” Though I question my love for God and being called according to his purpose I don’t have to doubt what Paul tells us in Romans 8:38 (NLT). “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, life can’t. The angels can’t, the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away.” Paul goes on to say that nothing in all the word can separate us from God’s love. Today I will continue to hear and trust, “it’s all working out!”

Lent Day 23 – Thinking Big, Playing Small

I’m a future-oriented person. Some call it being a visionary, others call it being a daydreamer. I’m not sure which is which. I have a lot of big thoughts and big ideas. Some of the bigness of the ideas and thoughts border on grandiosity. I dream of all kinds of opportunities, programs, organizations, events, experiences, etc. The world in my mind is full of possibilities! Then there is the actual world of my actions, which is governed much more by my fears, insecurities and excuses. Though I love to think big, acting on many of those thoughts terrifies me. Most days, I’m not honest with myself and make a list of a thousand “legitimate” reasons (excuses) why my thoughts can't make it to the reality of actions. It is a terrible place to live. It is a place of the oppression of potential energy without kinetic energy. Dreams without action is can crush hope, motivation and frustrate the will. It is also a breeding ground for insecurity. And, it is insecurity that keeps big thoughts trapped in the fearful cage of the mind. So, being risk adverse and vulnerability resistant, I prefer to play it safe, which is playing it small. Big thoughts don’t work in tight spaces. Simply put, I love to think big and play small.

Over and over, throughout God’s grand narrative, people are given a glimpse, vision or idea of a great idea in the world. A new land to settle, an oppressed people to liberate, a scary enemy to defeat, an adventure to go on and really cool things to build. There are always oppositions and conflicts heavily leaning against God’s visons and ideas. He gives big thoughts and then says, “GO BIG!” The trick is, the GO BIG! always comes with a risk. The map is usually revealed an inch at a time into an unknown territory and the manual is either impossibly hard or incomplete. The challenge is to “go in faith”, to play big and trust in the giver of big thoughts. All great accomplishments started as a thought, a big thought. Someone was thinking big. However, all great accomplishments had big actions to make the thoughts real. That takes faith.

The Biblical writer James says it so succinctly, “As the body without the Spirit is dead, so faith without action is dead” (James 2:26). Today, God is asking me to keep thinking big, but don’t put too much stock in it. He is calling to play big with faith-driven actions to back it up. So, I will look for opportunity to tangibly meet needs, make the phone calls, have critical conversations and will engage in creative action. I will move into more meaningful risk and vulnerability. I will do something outside my comfort zone to get movement on my big thoughts. Ready, set, “GO BIG!”

Lent Day 22 – Not Time To Get Up

My wife and I were both gifted sleepers. We regularly got somewhere around 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. We often slept in until 9am or 10am on Saturdays. We were married almost 10 years before we had children. So, we were quite accustomed to having our sleep. With two parents who slept well, we expected to have children who slept well. It’s supposed to run in the genes. Well, in a wicked twist of genetic irony neither of our boys have been gifted sleepers. All of the books read, sleep training techniques and endless searching for advice has not produced kids who sleep continuously and long. Our boys are up early. My wife and I are night owls. This is a terrible combination. More than just an inconvenience to us, if our boys don’t get enough sleep throughout the night they can be a nightmare the following day. So, a line that my wife and I have uttered hundreds of times, “it’s not time to get up.”  

This past weekend I was in a foul mood. I had trouble with focus and energy. My patience was low and I wasn’t as engaged and productive as I wanted to be. It was super frustrating. About half way through Saturday I realized I was exhausted. I just wanted to lay down and rest. So, I took a nap with my younger one. Well, I laid there and read while he napped. I realized the week was completely full of clients, teaching a graduate class, preparing taxes and taking care of my boys in the evening as my wife was busy with rehearsals for the musical she is directing. Again, I was tired. I didn’t want to admit it and I didn’t want to respect it. However, in my time of quiet space I felt like God was letting me know that I can’t rush rest. Like so many other things in my life, I want to microwave my rest and downtime and get on with being productive. Yet, when I run on fumes, I tend to be slow, unfocused, undisciplined and diminished. Fatigue and exhaustion lead can lead down a road of very dangerous decisions and destructive behavior. I can seek energy in all the wrong places. So, I needed to heed my own advice, “it’s not time to get up.” I wasn’t done resting until I was rested. This weekend took a while to feel rested.

From the very beginning, the Bible declares an intentional and crucial rest. It is called a Sabbath rest. It is to take a break and know that we are not center of the Universe and the Universe can function just fine without us. It is a time for connection, enjoyment and… rest. God takes this rest VERY seriously and continually calls His people to “enter” into His rest. When Moses was looking for strong reassurance from God about leading the Hebrew Liberation Movement, “The Lord replied, ‘My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest’” (Exodus 33:14). He understands our limitations and know we work extremely well when we live within those limitations. We also work well when we don’t try to be God-like in our control and efforts. There are countless example of God providing rest for His people. Jesus sends an intimate invitation, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matt 11: 28-29). Certainly today I need deep soul-rest. Will I have to courage and faith to make the time to come to Jesus with my fatigue and worry, trust him and find rest? Can I know that “it’s not time to get up yet” and be okay? Today, I will seek His rest, as long as it takes. 

Lent Day 21 - Tasteless

I’m a coffee guy. I was converted to my drink of choice in my mid-20’s while attending grad school and surviving the frigid New England winters. Also, I couldn’t face myself or my classmates if I ever admitted I wasn’t a coffee guy. Anyhow, like millions of other people, I quickly found myself constantly pulled into the gravitational pull of every passing Starbucks. I fell in love with Starbucks and have been faithful to Starbucks for many years. It will always hold a special place in my heart. However, I’ve found a new love. A Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf opened up near my office and I started venturing out and drinking their coffee. I found their coffee much better, at least for me. I know that people get passionately defensive about their coffee. So, I’m not here to be “down on” Starbucks. It’s not personal, I have just found that I REALLY like Coffee Bean. I had to let Starbucks know, “it’s not you, it's me.” Simply, I have lost my taste for Starbucks. I thought it could never happen, but it has.

A person I’ve been working with has struggled, like many, with painful and tragic childhood experiences. Her pain has created an angry and mean reaction to other’s perceived slights and judgments. She admits that she can be highly reactive and cruel when she feels mistreated by others. The world is scary and tough and she has matched it with her own form of scary and tough. I would not want to cross her or be on her bad side. Yet, she has courageously moved into seeing her story with painful clarity. She has seen how she's been hurt by her experiences and how she has participated in the hurting others. She has moved away from the hurt and into a world of greater compassion, empathy and love. She has been more patient with herself and others and she is discovering more creativity and life. She has fought to embrace more grace in her life. This has been a slow progressive journey for her. In our time together she uttered an absolutely brilliant line, “I’m beginning to lose my taste for meanness.” It was a line that landed with tremendous force.

Starbucks was a daily part of my routine. I really didn’t have to think about it. It became automatic. Meanness was a daily part of her routine. It was a way she got along in the world. It became automatic for her. She didn’t have to think about it. There wasn’t another way, there wasn’t a better option. I discovered a better coffee. This woman discovered a better way of living.

This begs the question for me today, what do I need to lose my taste for? Can I exchange the taste of man’s approval for the taste of God’s complete acceptance? Can I exchange the taste of the greed of more for the taste of gratitude? Can I exchange the taste of fantasy for the taste of unconditional love? Can I exchange the taste of control for the taste of trust?

After 40 days of hunger the Enemy of People visits Jesus and lets him know that Jesus can turn stones into bread and feed himself. Jesus responds, “Man shall not live by bread alone” (Luke 4:4). He know the sweet goodness of tasting the fulfillment of the Father. Today, I will seek, as Psalm 34:8 reminds me, to “taste and see that the Lord is good.” Today, I will focus on losing the taste for the things that war against my soul and develop a taste for the things that bring me life.

Lent Day 20 – It’s All Mine!

It’s a crowded world. There are lots of people, lots of ideas, lots of really cool things happening. Techies are making new and cool gadgets. Lifehacks are cracking codes for living big. Writers are expanding our thoughts, possibilities and opportunities. Talking heads are telling us what to fear and how we should be thinking of it all. Hipsters are hanging out in super-cool joints full of novelty and pretension. I was at one of these places the other day. I think my coffee was flavored with pretension. I walked out feeling both savvy and “above it all.” World-changers are relieving the suffering of the forgotten, the lost and the hurting. They are making real impacts in the world today. Living in Southern California, where it is all seems to be happening, can be fairly intoxicating and overwhelming. My life can seem so provincial and mundane in comparison to it all.

My life, at times, seems so far away from all the “cool” happening around me. How can I possibly be missing out on it all? Why is it that so many others get to be in on the “cool?” It is in this mundane space of feeling a part from it all that I found myself seeking my connection to the Divine voice. Day 20, half way through Lent. Half way to nowhere, or so it seems today. In my time of space and grace I sat and listened. I listened for the voice who calls me “son” and defines me as “loved” and lets me know that I bring “pleasure” to the One who made me. I sat in the silence, trying to calm my mind and my racing heart. It is in this space I recalled the voice of the Lovesick Father tell his bitter Older Son, “Look, dear son, you and I are very close, everything I have is yours.” (Luke 15:31, NLT)

I needed that reminder today. I needed to know, despite what I felt and how I pigeon-holed myself into believing I was apart from it all rather than a part of it all, that I was intimately close with the Father and He was offering me all that was His. It was an invitation to stop and see all that He was allowing me to be a part of. It was a reminder that everything I really need was well taken care of. It was a call to trust that there was more “life” coming my way. So, today I will grab onto to the hand of the Father who will go the distance with me and continue to give me all the life that belongs to Him! Today, I will seek to trust His closeness and His abundance.

Lent Day 19 – Grinch Hearts

At the very end of Dr. Seuss’s, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the Grinch realizes that his attempt to ruin Christmas was unsuccessful as he hears the town of Whoville singing and celebrating without their presents. He has a moment of epiphany. “Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store, maybe Christmas means more.” I like the Jim Carrey Grinch that goes into agonizing convulsions and tells his dog, “Max, help me! I’m feeling!” The narrator goes on to say, “the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day.” The story finishes up with the Grinch heroically and sacrificially saving the Whoville Christmas he tried to destroy. In the moment he experienced that something “means more” his heart shifted in painful seizing. His heart was growing inside of him. When we discover that which “means more” we are susceptible to greater levels of pain and agony that come from empathy, compassion and sacrifice. There is a risk inherent in a life that “means more.” There is an exposure to agony and even suffering. It is unavoidable if we are live a life that is bigger than our own and connected to a bigger world than ourselves.

Last week a friend from out-of-town was visiting. He is a person who is constantly inspiring me. He lives a remarkable life. He lives with big risks, wild adventures and endless connections. However, what is most inspiring to me is the risk he and his wife took in adopting children with unspeakably abusive histories and subsequent disabilities. Their story of rescuing these kids follows a script that belongs in a Hollywood suspense thriller. They took on becoming “mom” and “dad” to these children knowing that the cost would be severe. And, the cost has been beyond what they could imagine. The daily challenges of never-ending doctor and therapy appointments, the temper tantrums, the limited educational resources, the fights with the “system” to advocate for their kid’s needs are all so heartbreaking and soul-draining. I seriously don’t know how they do it. The behavioral risks of one their kids can be life-threatening. I asked my friend, what he has learned about himself through the experiencing of adopting and raising these kids? He replied, with tears welling in the corners of his eyes, “There is more love in my heart than I ever imagined.” I sat stunned at his response. Through heartbreaking tragedies, daily struggles and cliff hanger risks, my friend’s heart has grown exponentially. He is fiercely loyal and extravagantly generous. He is deeply committed to a life of faith on the edge. He lives it out. He showed me that by living a life that “means more” than the next big paycheck, the next recognized accomplishment or the extravagant vacations the heart grows bigger and bigger. He takes risks in the direction of sacrifice and love which cause him tremendous pain and suffering. Yet, his life “means more” and his heart is huge.

I’m tempted to live a safe, comfortable and risk free life. So much of my life is spent avoiding risk, pain and suffering. I choose to “mean less” so I don’t have to feel. I know that this trivial pursuit is a game of small shriveled hearts and meaningless living. Jesus said, “To gain your life, you must lose it.” I must be willing to lose my risk-free living, playing it small and pain avoidance. I must be willing to feel the agony of a life that “means more” and allow my heart to grow a few sizes. Today, I will look for opportunities to lose the small life of comfort and safety to gain the life of compassion, sacrifice and big-heartedness. 

Lent Day 18 – Nothing New Under the Sun

I’ve been working on a book for about a year now. I’ve sat with the idea for quite a while. This writing project has brought a lot of my inner voices to the surface. There are voices of excitement, energy and movement as I work out stories, truths and experiences on pages. There are also those very pesky ol’ voices of self-doubt, discouragement and frustration. Some days I’m stuck, some days I’m inspired, some days I’m just too busy to care. Today was an “I’m-too-late-to-the-party" day.

The book has started out, like all my writing projects, working out my thoughts, truth, hopes and story in the world. The book is about an adventure, a passage and a prayer of love that has changed everything for me. I'm working through ancient texts about a love-struck father and his two lost sons (Luke 15: 11-32), a wedding passage built for living a life of love (I Cor. 13) and a prayer to remain continually connected to the Source of love (Eph 3:14-21). This project was birthed from the seemingly insurmountable personal pains and challenges of my life that have continually and remarkably been transformed by love, or Divine Love. It is not a new topic or issue dreamed up last month in Silicon Valley. It has been with us, and eluded us, since the dawn of humanity. However, as the book has progressed, excruciatingly slowly, I’ve thought about publishing and entering into the crowded and noisy space of all the other books being put out there. There are a lot! My driving motivation for the project is to close the gap between a belief in a God and life of love and the actual experience of that love. Again, nothing new, but I believe it’s wildly important.

There are writers throughout the centuries who have addressed Divine love. Throughout my life writers like Henri Nowen and Brennan Manning have greatly impacted me along the path of God’s love. More recently, writers like Richard Rohr and Ann Voskamp have captivated me. Also, I’ve really loved, Tim Keller's Prodigal God and Bob Goff’s, Love Does. I'm waiting for Maria Goff’s, Love Lives Here to arrive in the mail. Yesterday, I was reading Mike Foster’s, People of the Second Chance. It’s a super good book on living out God-like love. And, it really frustrated me. It didn’t frustrate me because of the content. Like I said, I couldn’t recommend it enough. Go out a buy it! It wrecked me because it burst my bubble of writing something novel and profound in a unique space. Mike Foster beat me to it. As I read more and more, I realized that I wasn’t occupying a unique space anymore. The spot was filled. No room at the Inn for my book. To add insult to injury, he is doing really, really cool things in the world. My dad used to say when he felt like he was missing out on life, “a dollar short and a day late.” Yep, that sums it up for me.

In my time seeking God I was reminded that His message and life of love are painfully missing is a lot of people’s lives, including some areas of my own. So, I need to keep going. I need to finish the book and let it be what it is. Mostly, I was reminded that the project was written to more clearly understand the incredible difference God’s tenacious love has made in my life. A life marked with deep pain and deep redemption. My place in the world isn’t as a renowned author (I don’t have anything published) or speaker or _______… My place in the word is His beloved. Instead of feelings of envy or defeat about Mike Foster I began to feel a kinship and an excitement that there is a movement of God’s love bigger than me and being worked out with remarkable and gifted people like Mike. I’m praying more people read People of the Second Chance and live out its content. I’m praying I will continue to try to live out its content. “There is nothing new under the sun,” as the wisdom of Ecclesiastes tells me. But, there is ancient truths that needs to be retold as many times as possible. God’s love is one of them. I hope to tell it with my writing. Way more importantly, I hope to tell it with my life and I shouldn’t let my desire for personal novelty and profundity get in the way!

Lent Day 17 – The Torture of Nothing

I think I may need to just let the title of this reflection stand alone. But, since I committed to writing 40 days of reflections in intentional connection with God. So, I had more empty space in my day than I had originally planned. This is usually a very welcomed problem. I’m usually scrambling for more time and space to get one more phone call or email returned, one more administrative task completed or a chance to grab something to eat. Today was not the case. It was one of those days I had extra time and space and felt like I was staring blankly into my computer screen wondering what to do next. A million thoughts raced through my head, but they all created a collective buzz of white noise. It really felt like I was wasting away and I felt like I was going crazy.

As much as this season is about “less” and slowing things down, I realized why I avoid “less.” I literally don’t know what to do with myself when there is nothing. It creates a sense of anxiety and meaninglessness. As I’ve reflected earlier, God may have created from “nothing”, but I don’t seem to have the strength or courage for “nothing.” This unexpected unstructured time today exposed the fast and furious internal pace running inside of me. I’ve read a LOT of studies and books on meditation, simplifying and (my favorite) Essentialism. I just find that I’m so used to the fast and the furious, stopping feels like torture. Again, it bring me back to the space in-between and I realized there is a big difference between the planned “nothing” and the unplanned “nothing.” I not good at either. I’m a little better at the planned, I have no idea what to do with the unplanned. As I felt stuck and listless, I decided to go with the nothing.

As time drifted away and I did nothing, sitting in the uneasiness of my anxious white noise, I decided to grab an afternoon coffee and not have pressure to get anything done or accomplish any task. It was an intentional move into a rest, an unexpected Sabbath. I drank my super-pretentious and over-priced coffee and watched people. I paid attention to the crescendo of God’s creation. I noticed my own harsh judgments and my own curiosities, but mostly I noticed that people, like me, are trying to get by in the world. They are looking to belong, be seen and be a part of. They are seeking to be heard and understood. They are looking to get the next assignment done and get ahead, or just keep up. They are trying to feel good about themselves and where they are. I noticed that they are also avoiding the nothing. I get it. But today, I will try to enjoy the gift of nothing, know that I don’t need to get anything else done or fill the empty. I can simply be.

Lent Day 16 – Talking to Myself

This morning was rough. One of those morning where my wife and I woke up sideways to the world. Everything was frustrating and off. More than anything else, we were frustrated with ourselves. As we talked towards the end of my commute, we realized that we were both dealing with old insecurities and frustrations with ourselves. I was battling feeling exhausted, unappreciated and not measured up to the right standards. The voice in my head, at that moment, was full of self-doubt, self-deprecation and overall low view of myself. I couldn’t seem to connect with the reminders of others who love and support me. I couldn’t hear or connect with the voice or truth of God and His love for me. Obviously, the space in-between my two ears was not a friendly place to be. It was miserable. I was just left with me.

So, left to my own devices was this morning was not a pleasant experience. Yet, a thought crossed my mind. I realized the voice brutalizing me was my own. As obvious as this seems, it took me a bit to realize it. I was talking to myself. I was reminded of others who talk to themselves. I was reminded that I really do have a choice in what I say. The Israeli King, David, also spoke to himself. There was an instance where he was in a brutal situation, much worse than mine. His life was in danger. He was not yet King and the current King, Saul was pursuing him to kill him. My life was not being threatened this morning. I was just in a really bad head space. David was in a life-threatening space. He asked himself a critically important and obvious question, “why so downcast (depressed and despairing) oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” Yes, I have the same questions. He them goes on to remind himself of the God he had come to intimately know and understand. He tells himself, “By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me?” (Psalm 42: 5 & 8) David gave me permission to talk to myself. A reminder that I have a voice and a choice in that voice. Though my words were not a poetic as David’s I did remind myself that the way I felt was not reflective of my overall life. I reminded myself that my negative voice was nothing more than a discouragement born out of exhaustion and momentary frustration. Ultimately, I started to tell myself that God was bigger than my low view of me and much more kind, generous and graceful.

Admittedly, talking to myself in a much more hopeful and positive manner didn’t seem authentic when I started. It felt contrived and forced when faced against my self-doubt. However, as I stayed with the reminders of who God is and whose I am, my heart eventually began to make the shift. I was able to connect. I was able to connect to the love that directs my days and song He sings over me at night.

Each day I remind my boys of how much I love them. Each night my wife (who has an angelic voice) or I (who has an ogre voice) sing over our boys at bedtime. Today, I’m talk to myself that I have a heavenly Father who does the same for me. I remind myself that, regardless of how I feel, or the competing negative voices in me, God’s love is directing me and He is singing to me the song he wrote just for me.

Lent Day 15 – The God Among Us

These 40 days of Lent, actually 15 so far, have been an intentional process of taking a break from the distraction of busyness, the noise of the latest opinions and issues, as well as the choking pressure of more. Jesus’ venture into the wilderness for 40 days has been the framework to keep me focused on my Lent journey. Today, was somewhat different. It was the day, or better yet, the evening in which I didn’t encounter God in a lonely wilderness, rather He showed up in group of people. Each week a group of people from our community of faith gather to talk about our lives, encourage each other and pray. Lately, there has been some really, really challenging and scary circumstances in the lives of the people we gather with. We have learned a lot about each other, supported each other and watched God work in our midst. I love the diversity of our group that goes well beyond mere demographics. We have different experiences, faith perspectives, histories and ambitions. Yet, we are bound by love and grace.

We took a risk with our prayer time tonight. Instead of gathering the requests and then going around to pray for the requests, we sat together in a few minutes of silence. We let ourselves move into and through the awkward silence to try to open up a little bit of space to listen, to pay attention to the promptings of God in us and around us. This is not a typical practice of our time together. It felt very risky, vulnerable and somewhat weird. But, the instruction was to sit in silence, listen and then pray about what we heard. If we weren’t sure about what we heard, or if it was truly from God, we took the risk of just going for it anyway.

It was amazing what the group ended up “hearing.” There were great reminders to ask, seek and knock, to persevere after the heart of God in our prayers. We were reminded that God leads to places of rest, peace and fulfillment. We were reminded that God desires our wholeness and works to make us whole-hearted people. We were reminded that God still gives renewed life to the dead places within us. The time together was a great reminder that God was still speaking, reminding us of who He is and His desire for us. Mostly, it was a tremendous reminder that, even in my season of obscurity and less, God is not to be experienced alone. He is a relational God and continually shows up in my relationships with others. The more I get to know others and the more I let them in on me, the more God seems to show up in our midst. It was risky tonight, it was worth it. I’m grateful to walk my faith out with others, no matter how different they are from me. For today, I will pay close attention to the God among us!

Lent Day 14 – Voices in the Wilderness

Luke tells us that right before Jesus was led out into the desert for 40 days, he plunged into the baptism waters. We have the three elements of creation present in Luke’s telling of this part of the story. Luke 3:22 tells us that after Jesus was baptized (water), a dove (Spirit) descended and a voice (word) called down. The same voice that called creation into being also provides the declaration of identity. That voice declared to Jesus, “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” When the Father pours out His heart to Jesus, reminding him of who he is and whose he is, Jesus has yet to perform a miracle. He has yet to proclaim a world shaking teaching or world saving sacrifice. There is no performance or achievement motivation. Jesus is loved because he is Son. The Father doesn’t just love him, but also delights in him.

The text goes on to tell us that Jesus enters into his wilderness experience with another voice. It is the voice of the Enemy. It is the same voice that Eve hears in the Garden. The voice tells Jesus He can achieve full autonomy and independence without vulnerability. Jesus can declare independence from the Father. He can take what is His, never be in need again, answer to nobody and be bigger than anyone in history. The remarkable nature of the story is that Jesus has deprived himself and wrestled temptation and in that moment of temptation he can make all his personal discomfort and suffering end. He could turn stones into bread (possessions), own the kingdoms of the world (power), and create wonders to be marveled (popularity). When the Enemy presents these options (with Biblical references) Jesus responds by strongly rejecting them all. He passes them up for something much greater. He passes them up for the vulnerability and dependence of eternal love. He inherently knows that the temptation of self-sufficiency, power over people and fame are all very cheap substitutes for eternal love.

I’m faced with strong internal voices in my own wilderness. When I’m feeling my own hungers, my own loneliness and my own struggle against insignificance I immediately fantasize about having more abundant resources and possessions, more power and influence over people and more doting admirers. I want to have all I need without the pain of need. I also want all the ways to feel good about myself and my place in the word without the vulnerability and endless need for love. Jesus shows me another way. All the voices in me trying to overcome my personal demons through possessions, power and popularity will never provide the true life I’m made for. Jesus reveals that abundant life is tuning to a different voice, a voice declaring my true identity and my true position to the Father who loves AND delights in me.

Many days it seems impossible to hear the voice of the One calling me His own and declaring His love for me. It is so much easier to listen to the chorus of voices telling me the more stuff, more influence and more “followers” and “likes” are what I really need today. Those are all just very cheap substitutes for the life-giving, life-creating love of the Father. Luke later shows Jesus telling a story about the Father’s love. At the very end of the Prodigal Son story (Luke 15:31), the Father addresses the frustrated, resentful and hurt older brother. The father says to him, “my son, you are always with me and everything I have is yours.” Today, as I stilled myself I could hear and listen to the Father speak love into me. He washes me, breathes in me and speaks to me His love and pleasure. As, I continue to fight the busy and hectic today I will seek to, once again, slow down and listen. I will listen attentively to the true voice and once I hear His love over me, I will keep going in the way of love.

Lent Day 13 – Death of Sovereignty

Countless debates, splits and even wars have erupted out of deep arguments over the power, control and rule of God in the world. These atrocities occur over what is called the “sovereignty of God.” The work of God in the world is thought to be somewhat mysterious play between God’s determined control of history and man’s free will to determine his own way. One belief is that God has a specific plan that is being executed with laser-like precision and there is not much anyone can do about it. People say, “God is in control” and usually take some sort of strange solace is a god who is completely controlling and determines people in history, present and future. These people get super uptight when their view of God’s sovereignty comes into question. They see it as a direct offense to God and to themselves. Others proclaim that God has set the human will in motion and people determine their path and destiny while God is making adjustments on the fly. These people have a safe distance from God interrupting their day. They run the danger of a declawed and depersonalized version of God. The incredible problem I have with both camps is that they seem disconnected with everyday life, in time and place. They also seem to preoccupy themselves with an understanding about the actions of divinty that God refused to disclose. Even as I write this, I can anticipate people wildly protesting my “opinion” and striking me down as a heretic and wolf in sheep’s clothing leading other’s astray. But, I can’t back away from my conviction that when we consume ourselves trying to figure out the determined or undetermined actions of God in the human-story we have entered into an area that is off-limits. When Job questions God’s sovereignty, God refuses to be interrogated and refuses to give Job an answer. If anyone deserved an answer it was Job. The only answer he really got back from God is that, Job was the created and God was the Creator.

When I try to figure out the nature of God’s sovereignty I end up constructing an intellectual or cognitive structure that is nothing more than a theological Tower of Babel. It is an attempt to reach God apart from the time, place, bodies and Earth He has placed me in. I need to put to death my idea of God’s sovereignty in human history. The reason I need to do this is because the rule or reign of God is not as mysterious as I make it and it’s not as disconnected from my everyday life as it would seem. I need to be done figuring God out. I need to continue to encounter the God who is with me in the everyday comings and goings of life. I need a God who is with me in my morning drive and bedtime stories with the kids. I need a God who is with me in the struggles of connection with my wife and the laughter we share at our inside jokes. I need a God of Monday mornings and Friday nights. I need a God that is much more that a micromanager of history or a distant deity. When I stop to look around at the incredible power of creation around me, the laughter of my kids and the orange glowed sunset off the horizon of Chapman avenue I am in absolute awe. I don’t need to be convinced of God’s controlling power or distance “otherness.” And, when I’ve stopped trying to figure out what God is up to and how he does it and where it is all going I can open up much more room for childlike faith.

Ty, my 5 year old is wildly curious and has been in the “why” phase for about 3 years now. There are times I truly don’t have an answer for him. Other times, I know the answer I give him is far beyond what he could possibly understand. When it comes to really important matters of the heart, the most critical matter of life I often tell him, just trust me! God is real and at work. God is bigger and more than I could ever possibly conprehend. For me, this means God asks me to lay down all my figuring out and tightly constructed understanding of who He is and just trust Him. Today, in facing many questions, uncertainties and scary contradictions, my theological understanding of “God’s sovereignty” will only provide an intellectual quick-fix narcotic. It is a high that lasts for such a short time but will require more and more to achieve the same effect. Like a drug, I will only become more and more disconnected from the life in front of me. It will not sustain. Only faith and trust will sustain. Only a God who can show-up in real time, real place and real people will do. I will seek to move into greater trust above greater understanding.

Lent Day 12 – Rhythms and Chin-Wags

Today was off from our “normal” routine. Last night was brutal. A sick 5 year old and a restless 2 year old made for a very, very long night. Our rhythm is to gather with our church family on Sunday mornings. We are “church-going folk” and Sunday mornings we don’t have to think of something to do, we already know what to do. It’s actually nice to not have to plan. This morning was different. Our clocks got pushed ahead an hour and sleep got pushed aside. We didn’t do our normal thing. We didn't get to church. Strangely though, today felt incredibly normal.

After a morning of marvelously doing nothing, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was going stir-crazy and needed to get out. The sun was bright and the temperature was set to heaven’s thermometer (75 degrees). My wife and I took the kids to a huge local park. We took our sweet time and played around. We went to this particular park for its fossil exhibit. The kids loved it and our hurried life was slowed to whatever. Though it wasn't routine, it all felt normal, or as it should be.
God created and He set an incredibly strong importance on the seventh day. God sets it apart as a day of rest. The seventh day is a day to enjoy, relax, notice. It is a day to stop reset and re-create. We happen to be participating in the recreation. We were swinging, sliding, spotting fish in the pond and hunting fossils. We were together and connected. It was great.

During our time at the park we happened upon a guy sitting with his enormous black lab. After having lost our yellow lab a couple months ago, we asked if we could pet the dog. My wife noticed the man’s Australian accent and we began a lengthy conversation. We actually had a very “abnormal” conversation for two strangers. We talked in depth about religion, politics, relationships and culture. I mentioned I was a Christian and he mentioned he wasn’t. Our difference was no barrier or hick-up in the conversation. He paid me a great compliment, and I him. He said, “I really, really like Jesus and I really like the way you talk about him.” I said the exact same thing back to him. He had amazingly keen insight. He said, “What I like about Jesus is that he was preoccupied with people who needed the help he could provide. He never seemed to be too pre-occupied with what Christians seem to be all worked up today about.” I couldn’t agree more. As we said our goodbyes he also said, “I really appreciated the chin-wag!” That is Australian for conversation. I certainly appreciated our chin-wag, as well.

Today was a timely reminder. God has created a rhythm in time and when we step to the beat of His music we enter into His life, the life all around us. Today, as I had a day of recreation, I encountered God-life is hanging out with my wife and kids. I also encountered God in a chin-wag with an Australian. God is at work, even when His creation is at rest. Today I seek to respect the created order, rhythms and life-giving necessity of rest.

Lent Day 11 – unCommon Grace and Do-Overs

Jesus’ great re-creation project to undo death is the central need of mankind and my central need. It is what is referred to as the Good News or Gospel. Again, we come across a very Christianese word, “Gospel.” For some religious people, there is a hypervigilant protection with a myopic definition of this Good News. It usually starts with the fact that we are bad and God hates bad. God punishes bad, so Jesus came and took on our badness and God’s punishment so we don’t have to pay the price for being bad. That is a bad news story that turns slightly better. We have to be convinced of our badness first, then see how mad God is at our badness and see how good Jesus is to take on our badness. Then, somehow are not punished for being bad. It all seems like really bad news.
The good news of God does not start with Easter Sunday, it starts at the beginning of the entire story. It is clear! God created and it declared it good. In fact, the sixth day in which he created mankind, He declared it VERY good! The entire story starts good. The story, according to the ending (Revelation) also ends good. Evil is defeated, pain ends and goodness reigns eternal. It is a good news to a great news story. Of course, we can’t live on planet Earth for too long to realize how tragic the middle part gets. All great stories have a struggle. Again, that struggle is the death all around us and inside of us. All of the goodness of God becomes threatened by death. The really, really good thing of God’s creation gets overtaken by a really bad thing that tries to destroy the good thing. Then, an amazing thing happens. God, in His goodness, love and bigness uses the powerful weapon of mercy to make the bad thing powerless. Mercy then becomes the invitation into the re-creation of all the good things. This is the good news!

It is so strange to say, but I am something amazing. Like all other human-beings, I am the crescendo of God’s creation. We are the one thing made “like” God and declared VERY good. Yet, as mentioned yesterday, the amazing things called "humans" face the constant threat of death. So, after creation and death there is a re-creation. This is something God has done and will continue to do. He will continue to re-make. Many theologians call it the redemptive cycle. I call it mercy. Mercy is the force of re-creation. In the midst of incredible tragedy both personally, culturally and spiritually, the prophet Jeremiah declares (in Lamentations!), “The Lord’s mercies are new every morning.” As certain as the sun rises, God’s mercy moves on as the force of His re-creation. It starts a new day. It re-creates within me a new start with new opportunities, new perspectives and newness. Mercy is the grand invitation to begin again. It invites me to embrace my do-overs and get back to work. So, I grab hold of it so that the death of the previous day doesn’t carry over today. Mercy provides an eraser for the mistakes, errors and badness. It breaks open God’s continual work of creating life. Mercy is the doorway to the Artist’s studio. Mercy keeps the “do-over” alive, as many times as I need it. And, I need as many do-over as I get possibly get. This is good news for me. The Gospel declares that I am good and the death that seeks to un-create me is constantly being defeated by the unending force of mercy. I get to participate in mercy and be a part of making everything new.

What makes all this Good News is how unbelievably merciful the Artist is. He is patient with me and my endless do-overs. He is leading and loving me all the way through the enteral re-creation project. He even asks me to participate. Today, it sounds like this, “Our Father, who reigns in Heaven, how incredible and indescribable you are! Your re-creation project come, your life-producing plans be carried out in here in my home as they are being carried out in your eternal house. Give all of us what we need, just for today, and please give us more do-overs (mercy) as we will give more do-over (mercies) to others. Lead us all away from the pull of destruction and rescue us from death. For it all belongs to you and Your goodness will rule forever and ever, AMEN!”

Lent Day 10 – unCommon Grace

There is the Common grace of creation that works in favor of my life and my flourishing. Truly it is a marvelous and majestic Universe that properly produces innumerable amounts of life. Yet, Common grace is not enough. I’m in need of something more. I’m also in desperate need of an unCommon grace. UnCommon grace cannot be assumed because it is much rarer and not typically embedded in the natural order. It is not as obvious as a beating heart, a pumping lung or complex brain messaging. It is much more hidden from plain sight, but speaks to a greater reality. It is the reality of a desperate need for re-creation. But, to speak of the unCommon grace of re-creation, I must return to another reality of creation. It is the reality of becoming uncreated.

As unbelievably incredible creation is, it is wrought with a poisoned epidemic. It is the epidemic of “death.” Death is all around me. The death of relationships due to painful slights, the death of motivation, creativity and aspirations due to depression or anxiety, the death of marriages due to pain and hurt and distrust, the death of dignity and inherent value due to injustices and unspeakable abuses. The lists of “deaths” goes on and on.  And, of course, there is the ultimate death of life itself.

Sitting in my counseling office and walking along people’s most devastating experiences I have a front row seat to tragedy, pain, fear, anger, selfishness, hate and death among us. There is unimaginable evil and injustice in the word. There are friends and family members and close one’s lost to death with the excruciating pain of grief left in its wake.
What’s much more difficult to clearly see and admit is all the ways that death lives in me. As I find myself in the “less” as I slow down and listen, I hear something other than the amazing grace of God and His creation, I also hear the fear, anger, resentment and evil inside of me. I hear the rejections and the lifeless reactions of bitterness, envy, rage, lies and lusts that war against life in me. There is a poisonous venom inside of me choking life out of me. The Bible calls it "sin." Though the word "sin" has become wildly unpopular and out-of-vogue, the reality of its life-sucking poison is very much alive and active. The problem is insurmountable. The ways that “sin” and death in me have torn down myself and others has been nothing short of devastating.

So the re-creation project begins in the life of Jesus. Jesus has come to undo death in me. To undo the sin that wages war against life inside of me. As I continue to journey these 40 days I get easily discouraged by my impatience with my boys, my unkindness to the barista who takes too long to prepare my coffee or the endless lists of fears that cripple me. I can’t seem to escape the death within me. So, Jesus has come to re-create me. To produce something much different in me. To keep producing life in me. What is asked of me? To simply acknowledge the death within me and seek the life in God.

Jesus undoes death by a simple, humble and profound act. The act of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the first order of life. It is unhooking me from the death inside of me. Ironically, Jesus took on my death so I don’t have to. He undid death in me. THAT is unCommon grace! Today I will seek to acknowledge the sin and death within me and continue the re-creation project of life within me through the complete forgiveness offered to me. I will seek to engage in the miracle of unCommon grace which leads to an unCommon life! Receiving forgiveness requires radical ownership. I must commit to brutal honesty and courageous humility. Above all, it requires trust in the UnCommon grace of Jesus when he declares, "It is finished." Death is finished in me. 

Lent Day 9 – Common Grace

The space in-between helps leads us to our senses. It has a way slowing us down to listen closely, and  eventually, keep going. The space in-between helps us connect with the deeper parts of ourselves and our souls. The space in-between, if we let it, is a place of amazing grace. When I’ve no more ambitions to pursue, deadlines to fret or people to impress the world slows down to its own pace, the pace of life. It is here that the miracles begin.

Let’s start with the heart. There is nothing I’ve done to earn, deserve or achieve my heart. It is simply there. Yet, my heart is what gives me life. It sends life-giving blood (water) throughout every part of my body carrying essential nutrients so that I can keep functioning. My heart will beat over 115,000 times today. Which means that something will be tangibly working on my behalf to sustain my life 115,000 today – just because. My lungs will function in such a way that I will take around 25,000 breaths today. Again, 25,000 occurrences of life producing activity on my behalf that I don’t even have to think about. Even more remarkable is the messaging happening in my brain. My brain in sustaining and making life and all its variables work together with over a billion neurotransmissions (messages) in over a trillion synapses (connections). This is happening every millisecond. Which means, every second my brain is capable of producing more life-producing messages and connections than there are countable stars in the Universe. Beyond the science, these functions are a constant and continual gift that I cannot make happen. They have been given to me.

These three functions; breath, water (blood) and word (messages) are the original creative forces that are alive within me. The same forces in which all of creation begins is still working within me. I am a part of a continuation of God’s original creative work just by living. This is an unbelievable and incredible reality that will happen whether I recognize it or not. It does not crave notoriety or recognition. It is a gift without strings. It only asks that I take responsibility for the gift and use it well. 

What these every day, taken-for-granted miracles let me know is God has created a Universe and bent the whole thing in our direction. He has bent it all for our living and my flourishing. He gives life and sustains life and will prove it thousands, millions, billions and trillions of times today. I can often sit around begging for super-natural grace, a big-time miracle. However, if I come to my senses, slow down and listen I can notice the overwhelming grace given in a single minute of life. This goodness that is embedded in the natural order of things is called common grace. It is anything, but common. It is miraculous. It is a gift, it is life. And, as long as I have the miracle of life, I can keep going. So, today I will trust the evidence of the common grace around me, and know that whatever I’m facing, God has bent life in my direction. “What shall we say then? If God (and His Universe of love) is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31) 

Lent Day 8 – The Space In-Between

I often wonder what Saturday was like. Not just any Saturday, but the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. For those who went all in with Jesus it must have been pure hell. Their dreams, hopes and desires just got crucified, literally. I can only imagine that the despair was suffocating, the confusion overwhelming and the pain excruciating. What they thought was real was no longer real. What they thought was true was suddenly untrue. A dark world was all that was left. This is not to mention that they must have been terrified by being identified as a threat to the state, since their leader was executed as an infidel. There was no place for safety and comfort. To add to this hellish Saturday, it was the Sabbath. There was no activities to distract, no work to escape into. Busyness was not accessible. The space in between Friday and Sunday must have been an indescribable no-man’s-land.

The God-narrative is full of spaces in between. The space between the promise of a nation and people to Abraham and the actual formation of that nation and people. The space in between Moses exiling himself in the desert for 40 years and his return to lead the Hebrew liberation movement. Then there was another 40 year space in between leaving the oppression and slavery of Egypt and the occupation of the Promised Land. The space in between David being called to be a king and actually becoming king. The space between the Israelites being exiled into Babylon and the actual return back to their home. The space between the promise of a Messiah and the actual birth of the Messiah. I could go on and on. The point being that there is a LOT of space in between in the narrative of God. This helps me because there is a lot of space in between in my life. There is a lot of space and time spent in a no-man’s-land. It’s a very hard place to be. I’m not patient with the space in-between. I’m miserable with the time between an injury and the healing. I get anxious with the space between a request and an answer. The space in-between is not a pleasant experience. It is a place of discomfort and uncertainty. It is a place of waiting. Yet, it is where much of life is spent.

Once again, I return to Jesus intentionally entering into the space in-between. We are not given any details about the specifics of what actually happened in the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness. We just know he didn’t eat food. But, what actually happened in the details of the daily remains a mystery, hidden from the reader of the story. The specifics of these experiences are not left out by accident. They are also not left out of the narrative because they are inconsequential. They are left out because God does some of His best work in hidden and secret places of the soul. He works beneath the surface. Just because a farmer doesn’t see a sprout, doesn’t mean that a seed isn’t doing its most important work of establishing roots. It just can’t be seen. God works away from the spin cycles of the press or interpretations of intellectuals. He works in the depth. David, in his own space in-between gives us a glimpse as he is wrestling his own hurting soul. Psalm 42 says that, “deep calls to deep.” The hidden and secret places of in-between are the essential soils of ultimate growth and flourishing.

There are precious treasures to be discovered in the space in-between if we have faith to search for them. There is a strengthening of trust as we build expectancy. There is a growth of resiliency and resolve in the waiting. There is loving companionship for the journey. There is growing compassion for those around us. There are moments to eat, drink and be merry. There are moments to mourn and be with. There is life in the space in-between. And, as all great men and women of faith who have gone before us, the space in-between prepares us for the space we occupy when we arrive. So today, I will embrace the space in-between my fears and hopes, my dreams and my realizations, my sorrows and my joys, my waiting and my doing. I will embrace my space in-between.

Lent Day 7 – Stiff-Necked People

The Hebrew language tends to be much more agile than English. It has more agility because it has a lot less words. So those words need room for imagination and flexibility for the complexities of human communication. One example is the Hebrew language uses the word “neck” as a metaphor for “soul." Neck is the organizing entity that keeps it all together. The neck makes sure we remain a whole body, with all of its different parts, working together. It is at the center that keeps one part of the body from arrogantly declaring independence from another.  It draws a direct line between the head and the heart, giving and receiving in contestant life producing reciprocity. The head sends life giving messages to the rest of the body while the heart send life giving blood and oxygen to the brain. Like the neck in the body, it was understood that the “soul” was the very thing that held the “self” connected to the life-giving Creator and His creation. The term “soul” in Scripture refers to the center of human-being that keeps it connected to itself, and that which is bigger than itself. Soul refers to the life-giving center of our core that connects to the life-giving core of who God is. Eugene Peterson, in his book Christ Play in Ten Thousand Places, states, “Soul carries with it resonances of God-created, God-Sustained, and God-blessed. It is our most comprehensive term for designating the core of being of men and women” (pg.36). Soul is the place that we discover our true self in the life of the Creator.

One critically important distinction that Peterson makes is between the “self” and the “soul.” Self, left on its own, can create the dangerous illusion of disconnection and radical independence. The goal of self becomes self-sufficiency. The danger lies in what this independence “self” sufficiency produces. It produces a smaller, more myopic “me.” “I” am so much more than “me.” When it is all “I”, I become so self-obsessed which causes me to cave in on myself. Ironically, my self-obsession, driven by fear and control only isolates me and creates a smaller life. It is a life marked by anxiety, consumption and frustration. There is no room for the massive life of all “others.” 

This condition of self-obsession and self-consumption has a name. The Scripture calls it “stiff-necked.” In light of the Hebrew usage of neck, we can understand that term as being stiff-souled. A soul that has become tight, hardened and closed off. A soul that can no longer move or be moved. A soul that has become smaller, more darkened and increasingly lifeless. The Scripture is not kind to stiff-souled people. They are people without the openness to listen and humility for the abundant life outside of their tiny existence. They are people consumed with self-ideas, self-interests and self-protections. It describes them as cruel, rebellious, stubborn and hard. They are people who can neither give nor receive. They have become disconnected and lifeless.

Jesus asks, “What is it to gain the whole world, but lose your soul/self?” (Matt 16:26, Mark 8:36, Luke 9:25). My recovery from being a stiff-necked person is a movement into being open. I must learn to let go of my ideas of how the world should work, how people should behave and how God needs to do His job. I need humility to know that my”self” is not the highest being or the highest objective. Rather, there is a soul within me that is more “me” than anything else. It is the “me” that is deeply connected to all other creation and the Creator himself. As Peterson reminds me, “it is the core of being of men and women.” There is a mystery here I’m seeking to enter into. It’s a place where I can go beyond myself and deeper into connection with the Divine and the shared human experience. A place called the soul.

As I continue to journey into the wilderness of silence and solitude looking for my leader and guide (Jesus) who has gone before me, I find that I can slowly move beyond the darkness of self-obsession and into greater vulnerability, trust and connection. There is so much more life in the soul than the isolated self! It is there I find my “self” with less requests and less words. I can discover the “more” I’m looking for in a place of listening and receiving. The place where the soul opens up and enlarges. The last thing I need is more of “me.” I’m full of myself! I need something deeper, more eternal, more assured. I need something that is soulful and life giving. I seek the giver of life to fill and lift my soul.

Lent Day 6 – Slow, Listen and Keep Going

There is a deep wisdom in fragility. I have the incredible privilege of walking with people in recovering from life’s most painful moments. As a therapist who works with people recovering from life’s deepest struggles and traumas I hear many stories of horror and triumph. I’m allowed to enter into the most fragile places of people’s experiences. Hidden in the midst of life’s fragility emerges profound wisdom for those willing to honestly go through the process. A man shared with me today about his adult daughter’s life-long struggle with a potentially fatal heart condition. He and his family have lived with the painfully delicate reality of her potentially fatal condition for many years. I asked him what the experience of his daughter’s condition taught him. He replied, “It taught me to hold tightly to faith.” I asked him what helped him grip his faith and he replied, “it taught me to slow down, listen closely and keep going.” He talked about having to rely on slowing down time, taking each moment to listen to the voice of God and focus on the step in front of him. He said he had to listen more closely to hear the words of love and assurance in the midst of scary and uncertain circumstances. He was also reminded that he just needed to keep going. Throughout his life he has experienced tremendous loss and his courage to remain humble, open and keep going is both baffling and inspiring. I want to be more like him. I want to be able to slow down, listen closely and keep going.

The wisdom of this incredible man was a great reminder today. As I slowed down and listened I heard the old familiar voices of “more” calling me. They were all telling me to do more, grab more, achieve more and get further ahead. As I heard the tempting voices of more, I was reminded of the wisdom of fragility and moved into less. Less busyness, less stress, less distraction and less worry. As I slowed down into less I heard the still small voice telling me that I’m right where I need to be. I’m no further ahead and certainly not behind. I’m right on time and where I need to be in life. My life was unfolding as it needed to be, not always how I wanted it to be. I was powerfully reminded that the Author and Editor of my compelling story is still writing and composing. He is still planning my next sentence and needs me to slow down so I can listen to the story of “me” He is telling the world. Once I’m listening to the Author of my story and realize it’s still unfolding as a great story of love and life, I simply keep going. So today, I fix my eyes on the greatest story-teller of all time, Jesus. I listen to the story He is telling with my life. And, in the midst of the fears, frustrations and challenges, I keep going (Hebrews 12:1-3).  

Lent Day 5 – Coming to Your Senses

I’m surrounded by noise. I live in the middle of the Urban Jungle of Southern California. To makes the noise matters worse, I have a 5 year old and 2 year old boys. There is an abundance of active noise in the house. There are countless toys, running, yelling, wrestling, cartoons, bouncing balls, not to mention endless requests and incessant complaints. There is also the sweet noises of jibber jabber, laughter and snuggles. In my daily life outside the home there is the noise of the latest podcast, music or phone conversations (hands-free of course), clients, voicemails, emails and texts. My wife and I have the noise of our own plans, complaints, requests and deep conversations. Overall, there is a lot of noise. Some of it, very important noise. However, my life is very noisy.

In this season I’ve sought to take intentional time to step away from the noise into more silence. What I’ve discovered is that I have more incessant noise to deal with than the noises around me. It is the noise in my own head. The head-noise consists of the countless thoughts and voices telling me all the things I need to get done, all of the should’s and supposed to’s of the day. Some of the thoughts are attacking and painful reminders of where I’m not measuring up to my own standards. Some thoughts are reminding me of my faults and sins, or overall disappointments. Some thoughts are dreams, plans and to do lists. Some thoughts are just random chaos. Some are haunting thoughts of fear and insecurity. All of the thoughts, with the accompanying feelings create an immense amount of noise in me.

When I attempt to sit quietly and calm myself to listen I am truly amazed at all of the noisy interference. I see that the noise is a distraction from me, a distraction from my true condition. In working through the loud distractions in my head I find I get stuck and lost. I can’t seem to escape it. However, I’ve found I way through the noise. I find that I must “come to my senses” to get out of the noise. I mean “senses” literally. I need to stop and see, hear, smell, taste and most importantly, feel. It is when I’m able to engage my senses that I know where I am and who I am. I can connect to being a human-being on planet Earth. I can more clearly hear my worries, anxieties and needs. I can see where I’m off my path of my life. I can smell the stench of sin and taste the sweetness of grace. When I engage the human gift of my senses I know me, where I am and who I am a little more clearly. I can see what I need and return to the care-taker of my needs.

Jesus launches a famous story of a Father with two sons. The younger, rebellious son, tells the Father he is as good as dead to him. This son takes his inheritance and blows it on a life of indulgent debauchery. When the parties all ended and he was in utter ruins, this younger son was feeding pigs and envying the swine food. Jesus says, the younger son “came to his senses.” Once the son heard, saw, smelled, tasted and felt where he was and who he had become he decided to go home to his father and beg forgiveness and get out of his mess. The story tells of an amazing reaction of the father. When the father sees the son a long way off he runs to him, embraces him, restores him and celebrates him. The father later exclaims to the older brother that the celebration was necessary because his younger brother was lost and now he is found! Coming to my senses is not easy. I don’t always like what I find. But, coming to my senses helps remind me that I have a home in my Father who forgives completely and loves tenaciously. He even celebrates me. The noise I desire to hear is the heartbeat of my Heavenly Father as he embraces my worn out body and tired soul. The noise I desire is the singing and dancing of joy and celebration of being found. If I have the courage to engage my senses they can lead me home to “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound!”

Lent Day 4 – Fully Human

Being human can be a real pain in the ass. It can all get so overwhelming at times. Again, I come back to the overloaded life of bills, demands, obligations, the unruly expectations others or myself. This is not to mention, the demons of greed, envy, lust, vanity… (on and on) that I struggle with.  The assault of information and demands can feel like a Tsunami. So, where is my out? More mindless distraction or escapism?

 It is when I leave the “more” behind and move into obscurity that I see the difference between the distraction of busyness and the avoidance of me. I know why I avoid venturing out into the wilderness of obscurity. It is there that I have to face me. It is in the place of “alone” that I have to come to terms with the person of me. There is a lot I don’t like. There is a lot that seems scary. There is even unknown parts that I can’t always seem to quite “get.”

I’ve spent plenty of time getting to know the importance of loving myself, forgiving myself and being a little bit more kind to myself. I truly know and believe that treating myself with more respect, love and kindness is of critical importance. The only problem is I don’t know how to be kind to the evils that war against me. There can be a pervasive unsettled anxiety within me that I can’t seem to fully grasp. There is also real sin within me. I’m not talking about being a general or vague sinner with general or vague sin. That notion is too disingenuous and sterile. I’m talking about being a very specific sinner with very specific sin. As the noise and clutter of my life fade away, the cravings of my self-fulfillment or self-righteousness projects begin. The food I don’t want to eat, I devour. The thoughts I don’t want to think, I do. There are endless fantasies of wealth, influence or escapism that leave me empty or frustrated, I can’t help but indulge in the very things that hurt me. It is when the clutter stops that the solitude exposes all this mess within me. Sooner or later I have to start being honest with myself. Solitude helps me see clearly. Being a human can be hard. Being me can be hard.

Thankfully, I’m not alone. St Paul, in his letter to the Roman church (Chapter 7) describes this very dilemma. I’m grateful for his honesty. He admits that the sin he doesn’t want to do, he does. The very things he wants to do, he doesn’t. He’s caught in the trap of himself. He is in the struggle and the fight that he can’t escape. The struggle and fight against himself. This struggle is illuminated for the person who struggles with addiction. People like myself. We call it powerlessness. Paul says, “what a wretched person I am” and asks the all-important question, “where is my hope?”  Where do we go with this mess? What do we do with this wrestling match within?

Israel is our answer. Not the place or people of Israel, but the actual person. Before God named him Israel, his name was Jacob, which meant deceiver, liar or manipulator. He lived up to his name. He fought himself and other most of his life. He survived and got ahead through cheating and deceiving. Once all of the conniving plans had stopped working he had to face the reality of himself and his life, in a lonely place. The story tells us that he fell into a deep sleep and entered into a wrestling match.  After a long, long wrestling match in which he taps out, he makes a request, to be blessed. He wrestled God! In the end he was given a new name, Israel: one who wrestles with God, one who is conquered by God, one who surrenders to win.

Israel teaches me to stop wrestling myself and surrender to grace, surrender to the love and care of God in the person of Jesus. Once I stop the endless fight against myself and, in the fullness of truth turn the fight to God, He wins. He wins with grace and love. Truly, love never fails!
 It is there, with him, that He reminds me that I no longer have the cloud of condemnation over me. As St. Paul so dearly knew the end of his fight with himself was the beginning of God’s grace, “there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” (Rom 8:1). When I stop avoiding and engage the fight the Word of Life that gives meaning to all other words lets me know that I’m forgiven, beloved and free to become fully human as intended. I’m free to be me. I just need to keep surrendering to win. So, I will seek to surrender my fears, my struggles and even my selfish ambitions. Most importantly, I will surrender my sin to the only one who can declare, there is now no condemnation. I will surrender to win!

Lent Day 3 – Out of Nothing

The grand Biblical narrative begins with God’s creative action. God makes. He’s both creative and creating. Simply put, God is an artist, builder and master craftsman. What does he make? He makes life, more life, teeming life, abundant life, flourishing life. He goes on with creating life, life and more life. Even the life he creates ends up creating more life. Isn’t that what I’m going for? Life! Isn’t that what we are all pursuing in the endless chasing of “more.” More life as we would like it. Life beyond just mere survival. Yet, there is a strange peculiarity in the story. God uses nothing to create! Before God created there was nothing.

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the water” (Gen 1:1-2, NIV). The canvas of God’s creative force was blank, dark, nothingness. The Spirit (breath of God) hovered over a dark formless ocean of nothingness. The classical Christian belief in this event is called Ex Nihilo. Ex Nihilo is Latin for “out of nothing.” He used His Spirit (same word for breath) and Word (St. John’s intro for Jesus) to make all things.

Right before Jesus moves into 40 days of obscurity (all alone) in the land of oblivion (wilderness). St. Luke (4:1) tells us that, “Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, left the Jordan and was led by the Spirit into the wilderness…” God is about to launch his re-creation project! He is looking to make everything new, to reconcile all things to back to himself. He was remaking a renewed man back into the original nature of Himself. Jesus tells us that he has come to give us life abundantly as John 10:10 tells us. He starts with an empty womb, an empty resume, an empty bank account and an empting experience in the wilderness. The crescendo of His new created life is revealed in an empty tomb. Out of nothing God re-creates us into people of life!

Today I am challenged to empty myself and leave behind all my self-importance, my electronic obsessions, my fantasy-making day dreams and enter into the blank canvas of God. To bring my formless, empty heart and soul before the God of all Creation and allow His Spirit and Word to build, make and create life in me. Life, Life and more Life! All out of my nothing! This is what it means to enter into the Kingdom, to be born again into a new kind of life and living.